Timing

Been feeling a bit deflated about the whole love thing of late - you might remember a while back there was mention of a possible someone? well that never really went anywhere... which although it sucks, is I suppose probably for the best. I won't go into it because it's really not any of your business (whoever you are,) but there were complications, and not having things complicated is probably a good thing, even if it might have been a nice kind of complicated.

anyway the point is that I've been spinning my wheels relationship-wise of late: I'm meeting quite a few new people one way and another, and I really like some of them but so far nothing's happening with anyone, and to make matters worse it's the same story for most of my close friends. The whole thing is getting amplified by association: my emotional engine revving alone would be destracting enough but it's like the starting line at Brans Hatch around here lately!

The rest of my life is going fine: it feels like I've got some real traction in all the other aspects of my life just now, so on balance I'm in a pretty good mood, plus it's Autumn of course... As well as bringing birthdays, red leaves and crisp air (all of which are good things) Autumn brings low sun which as well as being a splendid Chicane track, is my favorite kind of daylight.

This morning in the light traffic of the first (and only) small town before Edinburgh on my cross country commute, the sun was particularly low, one might even say it was sneaky. It was a particularly beautiful morning (for that matter it still is) and said sneaky gas-ball was glinting off the dew on the golf course, and generally making a big show out of the start of a new day. I like when it does that because I'm really not a morning person, so it helps to be reminded that a new day is not just the evil thing which dragged me away from my bed.

By the time I'd reached the town, the sun's broad spectrum optimism had thoroughly warmed through both me and the car: I'd even shaken off the last of my daily duvet-withdrawal and was quietly smiling to myself. At about this point a van passed me going the opposite direction - pretty mundane stuff, except that our mischevious morning star chose this moment to highlight the driver's jawline and right shoulder in quite startlingly sculptural relief. The guy was/is probably quite unremarkable in normal light, but for that one split second it was as if the epitome of all that I don't have in my life (namely a boyfriend) was shining out at me through grubby glass.

It's little things like that which can really put the wrong spin on your whole day, but happily the sun is not the only inanimate object with a keen sense of timing: a fraction of a second later this song emerged from my iPod and turned the whole stomach churning, engine revving, sense of absence thing on its head.