"like olives I suppose, or talking pictures"

Lately I've been crying more than I used to. Also I now have a regret. I never used to have one of those... most people seem to collect them frantically, but honestly up until quite recently I'd managed very well without.

Joe's worried about his pet insurance... well actually he's worried about how a fragment of a hoped-for future from our shared past has become embedded in the present in a way which means someone has to do something about it... but the policy number is simpler. You see a year ago, for their birthday, I bought his cats health insurance. Daft isn't it? Not the insurance: cats get sick and these two mean the world to him, so insuring their health makes perfect sense... but being reminded of the shape our future used to be, by a direct debit* that seems absurd to me.

More absurd is how much I like it. It's made me cry, sure. It's also reminded me of a certainty that broke somewhere between July and October last year. It's reminded me of a future I knew would be beautiful, and permanent... and the memory of that "knowledge"** is precious even when that "future" is broken. Possibly in the way that a fragment of a shattered ornament might be precious. Possibly in the way a rediscovered letter might be precious.

I keep thinking I shouldn't put this sort of thought out here. Everyone can see them here... assuming anyone's looking... but above and beyond everything else it does, this blog serves as a reminder for me of how I felt at points in my past... and that makes this belong here. Challenging when I've also brought work into the site but there it is.

So I'm back to trying to wrap my head around what love is. And re-watching a splendid movie a handy phrase pops up. Love is an acquired taste? There's a certain sense in that to me. Love is captivating and compelling all at once on the (rare) occasion when it shows up. But it also needs us to stick with it until we get the taste... like olives.

I'll fix the insurance policy. Next year I won't have this external reminder of that hoped-for future... Wherever next year turns out to be, I'm not sure if that will be a good thing or not. But as I said, cats can get sick. They mean the world to him.. Gotta sort the policy so it stays useful. That much I can make sense of.

* turns out there isn't one, or at least not one attached to an account I still hold.

**even if (as it seem) it wasn't right.